Any of the Above

Lots has happened
Granddad is dead, I have given up trying with dad, my brother is leaving school for catering college, I’m taking a year out from Uni because I hated it, so does Jonathan. We’re working on stuff as a team with the possibility of a company together, I still have not finished my tv series, I plan to rewrite the rose/lady in the river script after watching a shitload of David lynch and suddenly being able to dream myself again. Speaking of which, I met a nice girl, she makes me happy and sad, that is that.

I have been smoking grass this year, weather a good thing or a bad thing I continue to do it, but the truth is video games have messed up my life more than all drugs put together (alcohol and weed mainly)

I want to get fit but I feel more lazy than ever, while its just there over the horizon, happiness, lol stupid brain it’s not really there.

I don’t know what I need right now, everything is out of context, for instance I have a few essays to hand in (late of course) but I don’t even give a shit, whereas I can wait a whole day waiting for a text, thinking about her and trying at the same time not to get my hopes up, it’s so bloody tiring to care.

So that’s the end

Yesterday I felt ok, I thought I was going on some kind of friend/more relationship transitional date, it’s a long story and I still don’t know where I stand.

I had liked this person for quite a long time, although it could never be said that i was put in the FZ because we we’re always friends before I had feelings for her, not very close friends, just sort of go to the same parties and chat a little friends. Then one day, not sure how it happened, we got talking on the internet (yeah I know) and turns out we have loads in common, she has an amazing sense of humour and I feel very comfortable talking to her and vise versa. I’ve been trying to decide how I think she sees me, Most things point to just friends but there are a few points that remain fighting for me

1. We talk all the time on facebook and text, we have an incredible amount of messages sent between us and as far as i’m aware nobody else is aware that we’ve got this new friendship, it feels secretive or separate somehow.
2. When ever we meet with our mutual friends present we both acts strangely awkward, we’re not comfortable or funny anymore, I know why i’m awkward, the question is now whether she is awkward for the same reasons or if she’s sensing my weirdness and trying to distance herself.
3. We’ve been trying to arrange something for a long time, it never works out but she’s always very apologetic and says she wants to make up for it.

But back to the story, so yesterday i was feeling pretty good, incredible apprehensive but good, we had originally planned to go to an outside rooftop pub along the canal bank of Camden Town Lock, but as the weather was predicted rainy all week i suggested a trip to the cinema. She said it was a no go as she didn’t have enough money, i couldn’t let this spoil a wonderful evening so I said I could get free tickets for us both as i knew the manager (I do know her but we’ve not spoken in a long time and it would be rude to just come up and say “hey gimme free stuff” and went ahead and bought 2 tickets with the intention of arriving early and picking them up before she arrived. She seemed happy to go with a free ticket and to my amazement i looked up films and saw the Moonrise Kingdom was finally showing, i’ve been waiting for the new Wes Anderson feature for a long time and this seemed almost too perfect to be true.

I feel like its creepy or forward or Ernest or something, but in the back of my mind i was planning the evening thus:

1. Pick up tickets
2. buy some coffee and wait for her to arrive
3. greet nicely with a hug and a cinema ticket
4. find a nice seat
5. watch the film (don’t feel justified to try anything at this point)
6. come out of screen, have a few drinks at the bar
7. suggest if she’s hungry we go to the satay bar around the corner
8. walk her home

It’s the first time i’ve ever really tried to be ‘romantic’ and it felt like it could either go very well or embarrass us both horribly, but like i said i was prepared to take the plunge and end this horrible guessing game. I was just beginning to feel like life isn’t that bad and that my chosen personality and moral attitude had paid off in part.

When of course with a few hours left until the film started I got a text, “Sorry i won’t be able to make it tonight, sorry I’ll try and make up for it” etc. it didn’t kick in strait away, i replied with ah hey don’t worry about it, then continued chatting to my other good friend. About five minutes later i noticed as if through an opaque screen that i was insulting my friend, hating on her and just being a complete arse, i ended the conversation before i went even further and then shouted at my house-mates who were once again complaining about something - i can’t remember what.

I just felt angry, not at this girl, not at my friend, not at my housemates (maybe a little).

I felt angry that i couldn’t once, just bloody once get something i wanted, I really like this girl, She’s smart, funny, creative and extremely sexy, I just feel like no matter how hard i try to be the good person I know i can be, I still can’t catch a break you know.

Its the same with everything, I write a few episodes of a series i’m writing and i’m dead proud, i love my characters and i feel they’re story needs to be told but i can’t put it down on paper, everything seems clichéd, everything i touch turns to shit i’m telling you.

So i needed to vent this, i’m sorry to anyone who reads it because all you’ll be thinking is how ordinary and cliché i am, but i don’t really care, i’m done trying to act original, be different and say the right thing, its got me nowhere.

If you’re out there beautiful girl, I tried, but i’m too weak, I can’t continue not knowing, I feel a incredibly hard fall will be upon me if I get further invested into the thought of you. So know this, I like you very much and I’d still like to take you to see that film, I gave the tickets to my brother, he saw spiderman instead.